The Moment I knew I Didn’t Know S#@% About Sex!

A little over two years ago a sister-friend of mine recommended that my hubby and I take some time to read a book called Holistic Sexuality: A Practical Guide to Sexual Healing written by K. Akua Gray. She insisted that we read it as soon as possible and even emphasized how few pages there were in the book. At the time, I can admit that I didn’t quite understand the significance of “holistic sexuality” or “sexual healing” for that matter. Shortly after her recommendation we welcomed our daughter Xolani (pronounced Zoh- Lawn- eee) into the world and it was “off to the races”- parenthood is a hell of a job.  There was little time to read and even less time to learn new shit so I put off reading the book, indefinitely. In the back of my mind I knew I would eventually get around to reading the book but I wasn’t sure when. Fast forward to 2017 when I found myself “pouring out to others” way too much which left me in this desperate need of emotional and spiritual restoration. To me, this meant I needed to identify some spiritual practices that I could implement (outside of the walls of a local church) to help me reconnect to my Source and facilitate the healing my soul so desperately needed.  I made the decision to include yoga into my daily/weekly practices and I also made the decision to finally make time to read this book.

So, I ordered the book off of Amazon and I read it… all of it… in like no time! With each chapter I learned a lot about myself. I discovered the many ways that I, myself, exhibited sexual dysfunction and that I lacked understanding when it came to sex (specifically sacred sex). This idea of sacred sex was confusing because of my Christian upbringing. I wondered to myself if sacred sex was the same as waiting until you’re married to have sex (as I was raised to believe in Christian Church). I had questions and lots of them! What was most frustrating though, was that I had more questions than actual answers (and I’d grown up in a faith community and in a family so it frustrated me that I wasn’t already taught this stuff).

I’ve always sought to understand situations on a deeper level, mostyl becuase it helps me to practice forgiveness. I believe that people do what they know to do and then they pass on what they’ve learned to the next generation (with the best of intentions). Keeping that in mind, I found it easy to forgive the church for leaving me (and others) in such a weakened state by refusing to educate us on “the ins and the outs” of sacred sex (pun intended, lol). I believe Christians make the best attempt to understand and interpret sacred sex based on the principles recorded in the bible but often times churches struggle to create spaces where believers (young, old, single and married) can actually explore and learn the role of sex and sexuality while forming their spiritual identity. For me, this is one of the greatest foul ups of the Christian church. Like, when I think about it the church basically just tells unmarried believers to avoid sex altogether. Nothing regarding sex or sexuality is allowed in church, there are no conversations about it, no basic training in how to do it, no tips, no tricks,  and most importantly no equipping.

What do I mean by equipping? I mean that our Creator endowed us with the ability to experience great pleasure, alignment and healing through sex. Unfortunately, we are not sent to earth knowing (or remembering) how to experience all of this. It seems to me that just as we are taught to read and taught to write by being fully emersed in a culture that utilizes words to strengthen literacy skills and communication, we also need to be emersed in a community of individuals who utilize sex to facilitate healing in themselves and in others. Instead we are left to learn from tv, society or our first sexual partners … long story short, it’s the blind leading the damn blind, guys! Not even married folks will teach what they know because 1) they themselves haven’t learned and 2) they’re so afraid of encouraging premarital sex that they would rather just avoid the topic altogether.

We are taught to seek healing from prescription drugs, Therapists and other forms of western medicine. We are encouraged to rely on the outward more than the inward. We are often clueless and completely unaware of ourselves and the power that we have to effect positive change.This results in broken individuals, strained relationships, “burnt bridges” and just an overall lack of balance overall.

Healthy living and healing are directly connected to the sexual energy that feeds holistic sexuality. But most of us are taught to repress our sexual energy, deny our basic sexual urges and avoid sexual exploration for fear that we might sin against our Creator (in some way). This book opened my mind to the need to be very present and aware of the importance of divine union in all sexual experiences. No longer am I able to blindly engage in sexual experiences, as if I’m on auto pilot. I view sex and sexuality in a spiritual way now.

When the consciousness of divine union is brought to the sexual experience, sex becomes a meditation, trance becomes a prayer, and purpose living is enriched. A couple can develop unconditional selfless service to one another and inspire the growth of the relationships. As couples grow together, their moments of internal peace turn into minutes, hours, days and years of blissful sexual expression that heals in every way” (P11).

The healing begins in you.


My first series of blog posts will be dealing with this topic so if holistic sexuality sounds like something you might be interested in hearing more about, please follow my blog and share it with others who are also seeking something different out of their sexual interactions with others. Ill continue to share excerpts and insights from this book throughout the next few months (until I’ve commented on all of the insightful points made by the Author).  This is mostly just for my own understanding and healing but I would love to journey with others, too!

Join the Discussion!

Purchase your copy of Holistic Sexuality by clicking below! Leave a comment  below and  let me know which parts of the book you resonated with the most.

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